Practice

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been playing golf for 47 years and have just reduced my handicap to 35. Should I practice my long or short game to reduce further?
Dear Handicap
You can tell the difference?



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Oversize Putters

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been sick with worry ever since people started the rumour that the R&A is going to ban long putters. The long putter has revolutionised my game and taken at least 27.5 shots off each of my rounds! It's the only thing that has kept me playing golf instead of taking up croquet, as everyone I play with has suggested I should do. (They reckon my jerky, abbreviated swing is a natural fit for bigger balls and hoops.) Anyway, I want to get a petition going to implore golf's ruling bodies not to do away with my favourite club and not to restrict its length. My putter is custom-made and 10 feet long and if I couldn't use it for measuring my penalty club lengths, I just might be forced into taking up croquet. You're the most popular golf writer I know. Will you circulate my petition for me?
Dear Belly Putter
No, I won't. Golfers read this blog because of its first class instruction, not for carping, nonsensical whingeing such as yours. I've watched the video you sent with your email and you're indeed fortunate that you have such large ears to tuck around your 10-ft shaft, or I suspect you'd take an extra 27.5 shots on the greens. I have it on good authority that the R&A and USGA are not going to ban oversize putters. However, they are considering bringing in a rule which says you're not allowed to anchor the putter against your body, except when you're using it for penalty measurements, in which case you must anchor it on the back of your neck. I don't think your ears will help you with that one.


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Eliminate Slow Play

One of the most common complaints from all golfers is the rate of play. Once upon a time, four hours was considered the norm for a group of four to complete 18 holes. Even if they were hackers. These days it can take over five hours on some courses, even for the pros, who often play in a 2-ball. No wonder The Game is declining in popularity. If you're playing well, the last thing you want to do is wait on every shot because that's when your focus shifts. Instead of keeping 'in the zone' you start to think about what you're going to have for tea, or wonder if you really did put the garage door down. Then you get irritated by the others in your group, particularly the one with the annoying habit of waggling their club 27 times before they hit the ball. Badly. It's much easier if you can just walk up to your ball and hit it. Also, if you're playing badly then the last thing you want is to wait on every shot. This gives you way too much time to fester over your last poor shot, or shots, when all you want to do is get off the course and share your hard-luck stories at the 19th. I have good news for course managers who are serious about fixing slow play. As long as you have a sprinkler system, we can solve the problem and here's how. Every group pushes a button when they get to each tee. This stops the sprinkler from coming on when the weight detector senses golfers. The group has 13 minutes to complete each hole and if the group hasn't completed the hole, the sprinklers come on and drench them. Well, you say, that might work when it's fine, but it's hardly going to be a speed-up shock when it's raining. I considered that and figured I could make it an incentive to play faster simply by replacing the water with sulphuric acid. Had to abandon that, though, because it would have killed the grass. But I knew I was on to something. Then I had a eureka moment! The perfect replacement for water is dairy effluent! Speed play and fertilise the golf course at the same time.


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Enjoy bad weather golf

Which is worse to play in - wind or rain? No doubt that it's really miserable when you're playing in both, but if you've only got one of the elements to contend with, you can still finish your round feeling happy. For instance, if it's windy you can tell yourself that at least you'll get a helping hand when the wind's at your back. As long as you hit it straight, otherwise you're just going to be further in the trees than usual. Which gives you an advantage if you're not hitting it straight, as the ball won't reach the trees. The wind is your friend when you're playing with someone who talks too much - you can't hear them over the whistling gusts. And best of all, if you've had a really lousy score, the wind can blow that card out of your hands and off into never-never land. Rain also can be your friend. You get a free drop from casual water and you get lots of that under trees - sometimes enough to stop you going into the trees. Enough rain on the greens will create puddles which makes putting easier - it removes all borrow and you can belt the ball and not worry about a long putt coming back. And best of all, if you've had a really lousy score, the rain can make your card illegible.




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Practice v Performance

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been hitting my long irons and fairway woods really badly for months so I went to the practice fairway to see if I could sort my swing out. And I did! I had a couple of duffs but hit most of the 70 balls solidly. How come there's such a big difference between my performance on the practice fairway and the golf course?
Dear Practice
Easy. I'll break it to you gently. You're a lily-livered, spineless moron who lacks dedication and self belief. You've been playing badly for months and you've only just gone to the practice fairway? Obviously you don't own 'Agonising Golf', or you'd have set up house there. And that's where you instil the self belief necessary to maintain your spine angle, the most common problem for duffers. But the main thing to remember is that you hit the ball better on the practice fairway because there's no pressure. So you need to re-create the tension felt while playing. The best way to do that is to hit balls in a bull paddock. Jersey bulls.

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Leaky wet weather gear

Hot on the heels of 'Leaky Building Syndrome' comes that plague of golfers, 'Leaky Wet Weather Gear Syndrome'. Pity the poor people who suffer from both! The only good thing about the LWWG Syndrome is that it makes the other syndrome easier to live with. After all, you only inhabit a house, but you live golf. Well placed buckets will take care of your house, but you try swinging with a couple of buckets under your arms. Though I've often wondered if Jim Furyk came from a leaky home...


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Best Golf Hats

My Australian contacts tell me that a well-known golf company has developed a cap especially for the Aussie market. The flies and mozzies there are particularly persistent so something more than repellant was needed. As with many modern products, this one has been based on a tried and true design - the cork hat. They've inserted electrodes in each cork which, when an insect gets within 2 cms, send electric currents around the face. In effect, the golfer becomes a walking bug zapper. (Obviously, it doesn't come with a collection tray so you have to have your shirt buttoned to the top.) However, the real beauty of the electric cap is that it can help your game. If you're plagued by short putting, simply shove your index finger in the electric field after you've lined up your putt. Annoyed by a slow golfer in your group? Shove their finger in the hat. Get locked out of the house by your non-golfing partner? You can start a fire with your hat and keep away predators larger than bugs. Order yours now before they sell out.


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Successful 4somes golf

Competing successfully in foursomes golf requires exact planning, and selecting the right partner is the most important part of all. You must leave partner selection until the last minute because whether you're playing well or poorly will determine who you play with. If you're playing well, you choose someone you like. But if you're playing poorly, it's the ideal opportunity to get your own back on that rules pedant who tricked you into not taking correct relief, or the slowcoach who fills in their scorecard on the green. And if you're having a bout of shanking, that's the best time to persuade the guy/girl who's coming on to your partner that you and he/she would have a ball playing 4somes together. Of course, this will only work once per enemy but there are a great number of clubs out there...


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Rugby golf

Golf could take a lesson from rugby when it comes to penalties, ie you should be allowed to kick the ball and if you get it out of trouble, you get an extra 3 stableford points. Or, if it's matchplay or nett, you're allowed to take three off your score. After all, the player has been penalised enough already just by the fact that they've hit the ball into an unplayable position. And, considering how most amateurs play shots from almost impossible positions, they'd be much better off using their foot than their club.
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More distance lesson

Gave a lesson today to someone who has lost a lot of distance. The first thing I fixed was her alignment. Then her grip. Then I told her to make sure her right arm was straight through impact. She took all that in and then swang. Looked great. But it was an airshot. "What have you done to me?" she screamed. "Now I've lost even more distance!" "Ah," I replied, "but now that I've instilled the airshot, every time you get club on ball you'll have increased your distance hugely."
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Golf for Insomniacs

I've just finished a research project in which I've proved that the best cure for insomnia is reading the Rules of Golf. I studied 20 insomniacs, 10 of whom were golfers and 10 who weren't. Interestingly, the non-golfers always got further through The Book than the golfers, managing to read up to rule 27, ball lost OB, before falling asleep.
Golfers never got past rule 17, ball striking flagstick, at which point they swear and heave The Book aside. Then they throw anything else they can get their hands on and exert such effort that they fall asleep exhausted. I suspect this is why they only give out paperback editions. Given the frequency with which The Book is thrown (even by non- insomniacs) a hardback edition would never last.
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Location:Gordon St,Dannevirke,New Zealand

Avoiding Water

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
The third hole at our course is a short par 3 (100 metres) over water. Last week the three people I played with had to act quickly to stop me from leaping into the water and drowning myself, after I put my tee shot into the pond for the 67th time in a row. As usual, my next shot soared majestically into the air and came down in the middle of the green, just 20 ft from the hole and I 2-putted for a 5. I am sunk in the depths of despair, as I have teed off with a variety of clubs (played full, three quarter, and half shots) and always got the same result. Can you help me?
B A Plonker
Dear Mr Plonker
Certainly I can help you. Wait until your fellow players are looking the other way and then leap into the water. You could also adapt Virginia Woolf's method and fill your pockets with golf balls (she used stones) to help you sink quicker. Alternatively, you could change your pre-shot routine so that you have better thoughts when you address the ball. Next time you play the hole, take with you the most expensive new golf ball you can buy. Go on to the tee and hurl that ball into the middle of the pond. This will re-create the crestfallen feeling you get after your shot has gone in the water. This is most important because your brain associates that feeling with what comes immediately before a good shot. Tee off immediately and you will hit the green in one, instead of three.


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Golf more for good health

If you want to have a healthy retirement you need to start preparing early. While still in the womb is best, but if you're not an early adopter, any time after birth is good. And it turns out that golfing can help, by building up your vitamin D levels, which guards against osteoporosis. Sunshine is the best way to boost your levels, unless you fancy dining on oily fish and eggs 24/7. So if you have an inside job, you owe it to your boss to work less and golf more, thereby greatly reducing your risk of fractures at work. However, you may have to modify the way you play 18 holes because if it's summer you need to play before 9.00 or after 5.00. If you don't like really early mornings, you're going to have to play 9 holes and then have a very long lunch and play the rest of the round after 5.00. That could eat into your happy hour time, although most bags have chilly-bag pockets if you need to carry supplies. If you have to play in the heat of the day, you're faced with a dilemma. If you use sunscreen, you won't get any vitamin D. If you don't use sunscreen you'll look like you're retirement age when you're only 30. And this is where golf is better than any other outdoor sport. 98 percent of golfers spend 97 percent of their time in or under the 'protection' of trees. (While the cliche says trees are 90 percent air, 100 percent of golfers who try to hit out/around/through trees, hit branches 110 percent of the time.(Yes, I failed maths.)) Hence, you're only going to be out in the sun while you're driving and putting (see my tips on Youtube to minimise those times) and possibly when walking between holes. So, as long as you don't play at a links course and you're not one of those really irritating men who marks their card on the green, the sun is your friend.


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Crafar farms golf course

I recently interviewed the CEO of a group of kiwi investors who are bidding against the Chinese for the Crafar farms. Fred, the CEO, says his group are going to combine dairying with golf. "It's worked with sheep so I don't see why it won't work with cows." Well, I pointed out, it's a lot easier to hit over sheep than cows and sheep manure isn't so...obtrusive. Fred brushed my points aside. "Look, golf clubs are struggling because membership is dropping. Golfers don't need all that land to themselves - they can share it with the cows. And we all know there's way more money in dairy than sheep." I mentioned that they'd need high electric fences around the greens. "No problem," said Fred, "cattle stops will ensure easy access for golfers." He held up his hand as I opened my mouth. "Each cattle stop will have a ball retriever." I wondered where they'd place the clubhouse. "The golfers can share our cowshed. In fact, they might want to help milk. It would strengthen their wrists." Then I mentioned that to get milk you needed bulls. Was management going to ban red clothes? "That's our top selling point," smiled Fred. "We guarantee that the bulls mean there'll be no such thing as slow play on our dairying golf courses." Finally, Fred had won me over.


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Golf swing thoughts

At last! My best score of the year - 77 off the stick! And I can rule out diet. No chocolate or full cream milk for breakfast this morning. I reckon I have finally discovered the correct swing thoughts and number needed. The number of swing thoughts is proportional to the standard of golf I'm playing. Which means over the last few months I've recited a 5-volume encyclopaedia's worth every time I've stood over the ball. (3 volumes on the backswing and 2 on the downswing - slow back, fast through; common fault.) All those thoughts play havoc with your tempo, so I determined to cut back from an encyclopaedia to a tweet. Straight left arm back, straight right arm through. It worked so well that I'm determined to instill it in my muscle memory. Alas, I have been banned from our cafe and supermarket. What works well on the fairways is a bit anti-social in public, when retrieving food from cabinets and groceries from shelves.


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Botox will cure the yips

One of my correspondents is on the verge of giving up golf because of the yips. An effective remedy is mentioned in my latest ebook, More Agonising Golf, but there is also another way. And it has great side effects. As we all know, the yips are a jerking action on short putts which often turn a 2-foot putt into a 30-foot chip. Golfers have tried all sorts of 'remedies' including alcohol, drugs, and gluttony. They've even imagined their incredibly boring high school maths teacher who made time slow down, so should have had no trouble altering putting tempo. However, all the last method achieved was yups - lots of short putts. It's way easier to slow down time than a nervous golfer. No, forget all that stuff. What our yipper needs is a course of botox, a well known muscle relaxant which has long been used to fix facial tics and hyperactive bladder (both of which are well-documented yip side effects). The trick is to inject the botox in exactly the right part of the muscle so that the wrists relax enough for putting but not so much that you can't swing the putter back. This is where the great side effect happens. It takes so long to find the correct spot that you'll overcome any fear of needles.


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Chin up!

While having five chins helps keep your head down, they can be a hindrance when it comes to matchplay, in which you've got to be poker-faced. Because the last thing you want to do is let your opponent know that they're getting to you. If you're down, it's hard to disguise chin trembling when you've got more than one.


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Golf diet

Had a dreadful round today but have mixed feelings about it. Obviously the grated parmesan wasn't the secret of yesterday's success, so I'll never again have to have it on my cereal. So that's good. However, that means yesterday's brilliant short game wasn't due to my diet. So that's bad, because it means I'll have to put some work into my game and practice. Unless the difference was the milk in my coffee, which came from the farm vat rather than the supermarket. And with it being Easter, I had upped my quota of chocolate... I'm sure I'm on to something with this short-game diet. I'm certain chocolate and full-cream milk would help keep your head down. Five chins must make a difference.


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Best food for golf

Had my best round in a month yesterday with an 81 at Levin. What did I do different? Well, I had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast which isn't too different but I used a slightly different recipe. This time I added grated parmesan just before the eggs set. And my short game was much better. Adding parmesan cheese is a hell of a lot easier than getting off my bum to practice chipping and putting so I'll see if it works tomorrow. Trouble is, I've run out of eggs and I'm not too sure about grated cheese on my cereal.


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Inspired by the Masters

Whenever I watch one of the majors on TV, I go out the next day inspired to play well. I look at our first hole. Our tee looks like their first cut of rough. Our fairway looks like their second cut of rough. Our green looks like their fairway, but not as smooth. And then I swing. And I say, "That looks like the swing of a pro, doesn't it?" And my partner says, "Yes, Arnold Palmer's."


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Another hole!

The 500 is still alive. Can't believe Bubba missed!


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Masters Final Day

Love watching golf on TV but especially the majors. We amateurs wonder how the pros can stay so calm over a 3 ft putt worth thousands. A week ago I put a $5 bet on Louis Oosthuizen to win and $5 for top 5. When the difference in collects is $500, I reckon I've been just as nervous as Louis! Well, ok, maybe that's a little exageration.


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Hole in One

Played the ultimate shot today at Otaki's 114 meter 14th hole. Strong head wind so I went up a club to a 5 iron. Felt good the moment I hit it, but was a wee bit left. However, it kicked just a little right and headed for the hole. Judy said, "That's gone in the hole." And it had. Shame about the other 8 holes on that nine. I don't remember ever having so many double and triple bogeys in one round. Funny how having a hole in one on your second hole keeps you happy for the rest of your round, no matter how badly you score.


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Masters, which genre?

Every game of golf tells a story and the genre depends on which level of golf you play. The pros at the Masters are definitely in the 'quest' genre. They're on a journey in which they have to overcome obstacles (creeks, bunkers, hospitality tents) defeat rivals (other pros) and evade detection by the evil ones (armchair experts who watch golf on TV and phone in rule infringements). And then they receive the Holy Grail. Whereas we amateurs start off in the fantasy genre and end up in a tragedy.


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Masters - better live?

Lots of golfers dream about attending a major tournament in person. Not me. (Unless I'm playing.) They wax lyrical about seeing the top golfers in person and rave about the 'atmosphere' of a live event. Atmosphere is the main reason I don't want to be there. If it's in the USA, it's generally as hot as hell and the atmosphere is sultry and BO is rife. Also, there are a bunch of morons yelling 'Get in the hole' and you're not allowed to beat them senseless. Which wouldn't take long as they've already got a headstart. If it's the Open, there's a howling gale and sleet, which is typical British summer weather. (The last Open I attended, I got hypothermia.) Nope, give me the comfort of my own home and TV any day. No queuing for toilets, no outrageous prices for food and drink, and no morons within cooee. And you get action replays and mostly intelligent commentary, especially if kiwis Frank Nobilo and Craig Perks are on.


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Tournament golf

Most golfers wouldn't be able to handle getting up for work at 3.00 a.m. and then playing in a tournament at 9.30. Fortunately, the Kallas-Way golf method means that not only did I do a sterling job but I followed it up with a sterling round of golf. Okay, my partner played a big part in our shooting a par round, but she's read the ebooks and studied the tips too. Most people who say "I could do that with my eyes closed" actually couldn't, but I did today. I love the putting exercise where you take 3 balls on to the practice green. You putt the first while looking at the hole, the second with your eyes closed and the third, normally. I get the best results with my eyes closed, so not only did I manage to sink many difficult putts today but I also managed to 'power nap' at the same time. My head never moved during putting. In fact, it often never moved after putting. It's a fine line between nap and coma.


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The pros and cons of a break from golf

Had to take a couple of weeks off playing 18 holes so decided to spend an hour a day at the practice fairway for 5 days in a row to see if it made a diifference to my scoring. The mystery remains. The shag bag and clubs made it to the back of the car. Alas, I only managed to get to the practice fairway in spirit, not in body. I'm kinda surprised that even my spirit made it there. So, no play or practice for 2 weeks and I'm playing in a tournament tomorrow but, am I nervous? My goodness, no. It's a 4somes tournament so I won't have to play the result of my shots. Anyway, with the short-term memory not being as good as it used to be, I reckon I'll play well because I'll have forgotten what I was getting all screwed up about so will be very relaxed. Can't guarantee that my partner will be so laid back, though...


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Filming tips

Now that we're up to tip number 7, we're getting fussier with the quality. Starting to have a few editorial disputes with the director/camera person. As the actress who has to hold everything together, I can now empathise completely with Courtney Love. Can't believe anyone would think that I didn't know best! I'm the one who has to work with water-filled gumboots (really good for busy people as you can wash your socks while you're golfing and it stops excessive foot movement when swinging). I'm the one who risks electrocution (always, ALWAYS empty water from gumboots before filming low-shot tips at an electric fence). Knew I shouldn't have promoted her to 'artistic' director.