Thursday 31 May 2012

Buckley Golf Course, Shannon

7th tee
Now for a course at the opposite end of the scale to Cape Kidnappers - Buckley Golf Course at Shannon, 20 minutes south of Palmerston North.
It'll cost you $239 less than your game at Cape Kidnappers. In fact, it'll cost you less than lunch at Cape Kidnappers!
Yes, the green fees at this little gem of a layout are a mere $10.
Okay, the greens here aren't as good as the fairways at Cape K but ... obviously when you see the huge difference in fees, your expectations are different.
Personally, I love this course and think it represents amazing value for money. It's 18 holes, but you play the first three holes twice - they're holes 1-3 and then 16-18, with different tees on one of them, second time around. They are regularly mown and when you play the middle 12 holes, you're sharing them with sheep.

8th tee
I would recommend playing Buckley in summer or after at least a week of fine weather if it's winter. If it's been a wet winter, the par 5 7th hole at the bottom of the course can get too boggy. And if the sheep haven't been on the course in a while, you may lose your ball in the middle of the fairway.
However, play it in fine weather and you will get both an interesting and challenging game of golf. I find the middle 12 holes way more interesting than the others.
I particularly like the 8th hole, a 309 metre par 4. You make your way up through the bush to an elevated tee which is beautifully framed by trees. Your drive goes on to an uphill slope, nice wide fairway, but you can't see the green for your second shot. I now decide on a club and then take one extra, because I haven't managed to ever hit this green.
The par 3's on this course are deceiving. They look straightforward but can really bite you on the bum if you don't give them the respect they deserve.
The 6th is a 121 metre drop hole ... such a considerable drop that there's a railing to hold on to on your way down the path to the green.
Miss this green long and you'll have a tricky chip back up to the green. If in doubt over club selection, I'd advise going for the short one. Especially if it's been a dry summer, because you can get spectacular bounces here.
There are two par 3's in a row, the 14th and 15th, which are the last holes on the sheep course before going back to the sheepless area again. The 14th is 142 metres long, with a bunker at the front right of the green and a  pond further right.
You can actually play this one well left because the lie of the land means the ball will bounce around on to the green, as long as you're up far enough. If you're a bit short, you're liable to end up in the drink or, if you're lucky, the bunker.

14th green
The 15th is 128 ms and one of the more straightforward par 3's, unless you're a hooker.
The greens are electric fenced - easily stepped over or, if you want to fix your short putting (or too tight grip), easily grabbed.
The sheep fairways do get mown and, with 15cm placing, you're generally hitting off a reasonable lie.
They say "you get what you pay for" but at Buckley, I reckon you get more than you pay for.

Wednesday 30 May 2012

Cape Kidnappers Golf Course

12th green


I'll start our 'best courses for tales at the 19th - you'll never have to buy another drink' list with what many golfers believe is New Zealand's top golf course.
Cape Kidnappers, (www.capekidnappers.com) in the Hawke's Bay, is currently ranked #33 on Golf Magazine's Top 100 Courses in the World.
The combination of the unique setting and Tom Doak's design make a round of golf unforgettable.
Cape Kidnappers is 500 feet above the water and the elevation gives you views of Hawke's Bay from every hole. Combine that with ravines you have to hit over and you’ve got a dramatic setting for a golf course.
We played Cape Kidnappers four months ago, at the end of January. As there are a heck of a lot of great golf courses in New Zealand which only charge $35 for green fees, it had to be a special occasion to fork out $249 for a round of golf. 
We had a bit of a windfall and decided to spend some of it on what would probably be our one and only round at Cape Kidnappers. Teeing off just after 8.00, we had perfect weather and conditions. 
Even though I knew the course was owned by American billionaire, Julian Robertson, I found it a little ... strange ... that everyone we dealt with was American, from the person who buzzed us through the electronic gate to the entire staff at the clubhouse. 
Having said that, I'd give all the Cape Kidnappers' staff 10/10 for their welcome and helpfulness. We were obviously just one-off-visit kiwis, when their main market is an international clientele - golfers who have played the top courses in the world. Golfers who probably don't play many $35 green fee courses.
13th tee

The course has been set up to suit both walking and carting golfers so we chose to walk. There are no huge distances between greens and tees and the hills are reasonably gentle so it wasn't tiring. Okay, we have electric trundlers (which means I no longer struggle up Titahi's eighth hole, my benchmark for breathlessness), but I'd be happy to play Cape Kidnappers with a non-electric trundler.
I've played a lot of courses in New Zealand and Cape Kidnappers is definitely the best manicured one I've come across. I had to fight the impulse to fix what looked like pitchmarks, because they were on the fairways, not the greens.
The greens were fast, but not scary fast. Very challenging because of the undulations and size (most 30m or more). I had some awfully long putts because I was at the front of the green and the pin was at the back.
As long as the golfer matches their game to the appropriate tee (there are five sets), they will enjoy the course's challenges. The front tees (yellow) have you teeing off past most of the trouble, so will suit the long handicappers and those who hate losing golf balls.
We played off the red tees, which are the second set and probably suitable for those who are under a 19 handicap. If you top your tee shots, stick with the yellows (or take a couple of dozen extra balls in your bag).
One of the things I loved about the course was that you seldom saw another golfer, especially on the back nine. The ones we saw were either well in the distance or searching in the long rough ... generally both.
16th tee
The fairways are a very generous width.
After the first couple of holes, I came to the conclusion that 'if I have an average round, each shot will have cost me about $2.90' was not a good swing thought.
I played badly, but thought the course deserved all the accolades it receives.
The only thing I'd fault it on was lunch, which was very expensive. We had two sandwiches and two beers (both of which were nice) for $51.
High season green fees for NZ residents are $215, low season $170, GST exclusive. Non residents pay $285 and $385, GST exclusive respectively.
I suspect we may be going back again, because we're both sure we could score much better. Funny how I always think that, after I've played a course the first time. Funny how it so seldom proves true.

Monday 28 May 2012

Most Difficult Hole



What’s the most difficult hole on your course? Par 3 over water? Par 4 with out of bounds on the right?
No.
It’s the 19th.
The 19th is where it really counts, where you have your best opportunity to impress because you don’t even have to touch a golf club. It’s your chance to recount all those magnificent shots that carved the centre of the fairway and then took a horrific bounce into the rough. All those holes where you hit the ball superbly but bad luck dogged your score. 
If you can’t handle the 19th, you’re doomed. Doomed to smile and nod sympathetically while festering inside because no one cares about your game, your hard-luck stories.
Because … other golfers have heard it all before. Their eyes glaze over, as they switch off and contemplate their own ill-fated bounces.
I have great news for all golfers who struggle at the 19th.
New Zealand.
New Zealand, with its readily accessible, infinite variety of golf courses, is the excuse-makers’ paradise. It will provide you with score vindication which no one will question and you can back up your claims with convincing photographic evidence. Your golfing buddies will be so riveted they’ll forget it’s your turn to buy the drinks.
We have a 9-hole golf course on an active volcano, Mt Ruapehu. There are golf courses around Rotorua and Taupo which incorporate thermal activity (boiling mud pools, fumeroles). Some courses use sheep as fairway mowers and they provide heaps of excellent 19th stories. 
Many other courses have spectacular scenery which will take the listeners' focus off your score and on to your story. Queenstown's Kelvin Heights would be near the top of that list.
Over the following days, I'll cover some of New Zealand's most satisfying courses.
Satisfying not only for golf, but also for the 19th.
I did a similar article for an Aussie golf magazine a few years ago, but this series of blogs will update that.


Sunday 27 May 2012

Garden Golfing

I have developed a cunning plan to improve my scores at our club, and I'm sure it could work for you too.
I've volunteered to look after one of the gardens at our course. All it requires is a little weeding every month, and suggesting the occasional planting.
As I now have a reason to go to the course for something other than a game, I find I'm practicing more. It's easy to throw in the practice balls and a few clubs with the rake and gumboots.
Aha, I hear you say, that's how she's improving her game.
Well, actually no.
What I've discovered, while gardening, is how easy it is to ring bark trees without anyone noticing.



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Friday 25 May 2012

Another Simple Golf Tip

Being basically a lazy golfer, I love simple golf tips which don't require swing changes. One of the best I received was way, way back in my interprovincial rep days. You don't have to change your grip, your alignment or any part of your swing what so ever.
Here it is: Whenever you pass by a green you haven't played yet, take note of where the pin is. Front, middle, or back? Then when you come to play the green, if you're dithering over a club to use, you'll know to take the bigger club if it's at the back or go with the shorter one for the front.
Some of the greens at our course can differ by as much as 3 clubs, depending on whether the pin's front or back.
This tip is also good for those of us getting on in years and desperate to exercise our memories, as the most diificult thing is remembering to do it. It's so ingrained in me now that I even check out the pins when driving past a golf course.

Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Thursday 24 May 2012

Incentive to Practice Golf

Most golfers have the best of intentions when it comes to practicing. The next time they've got a spare hour, they say, they'll go to the practice fairway.
These people believe in reincarnation.
It's all very well for the pros, they complain, they have a monetary incentive to get better.
These people believe that merely playing better isn't enough pay-off.
The problem with the average golfer is that they consider hitting half a dozen shots into the practice net as serious practice. And if they have half a dozen practice putts, that shows they really mean business.
So, if you're one of those golfers who can't be motivated to practice, here's what you do.
Concentrate on short game practice, because that's where you can save the most shots. Set up large pots, upside down at distances of 10, 20, 30, and 40 meters, as pictured. Under the first pot place a bottle of water. Under the second, place a bottle of beer. The third pot gets a bottle of wine and the fourth, a bottle of champagne.
When you hit the first 5 times in a row, you get the water. The second requires 4 hits in a row, third three and the champagne only needs two. The pot will protect the bottle.
There's nothing like a tasty reward to focus your concentration. And make sure you use an expensive bottle of champagne. Your grandchildren will thank you for it.



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Golf Positions to help your Fishing




Tantric Sex for Better Golf is now available from www.smashwords.com. Along a similar line, we wondered, could golfing help your fishing?
Here's a photo of the fishing expert surfcasting at the Otaki river mouth.
We haven't put up a photo of her reeling in the fish ... we didn't have the camera with us 3 months ago when that happened.
So it's not looking good that one can help the other. However, there are similarities between the two sports. The main one being that this fisherperson dislikes being told she didn't follow through fully on her cast - something she doesn't like pointed out on her short irons swing.
Note the fully extended right arm - very important for surfcasting and golf. Note the flexed right knee - something else to be maintained with both golfing and surfcasting. In surfcasting's case, it's so you can kick the stray dogs away from your bait.
As an onlooker, I have to say fishing's not very rivetting when nothing's being caught. Whereas there's always conflict and tension when you're watching golf, and often a little hilarity thrown in as well.
There's one thing that fishing has over golf, though. Sometimes you get to bring home dinner.
Mind you, if you play on a course that has sheep on it...



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Tantric Sex for Better Golf - Rejected Positions


I've received many queries about my Tantric sex for Better Golf publication, most of them asking why I'd left particular positions out. For instance, one golfer insisted that The Pyramid was great for foursomes golf.
This is completely wrong, and illustrates why you must only ever take advice from a renowned expert such as myself. The Pyramid may help chess players (you'll only be able to move diagonally) but will make golfers shank.
After all, those golfers who can still do headstands would be hard pressed to do anything other than maintain the headstand.

Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Monday 21 May 2012

Tantric Sex for Better Golf - the 10 best positions to improve your score

That's the latest publication from Ms Kallas-Way, but I'm not sure how to 'market' it. In spite of the title, I wouldn't consider it x-rated because the only bits of anatomy I mention are feet, arms, legs and hands. I deal with actual sexual positions, but in a comical way which relates them to golf improvement.
Honest! Here's an excerpt:

Are you tired of spending endless hours hitting golf balls at the practice fairway? Bored with chipping multiple balls on to the practice green?
At last, you can improve your golf from the comfort of your bedroom.
Tantric Sex for Better Golf will soon be available for purchase. 2,000 words for only 99c, and not only you will enjoy practicing, so will your partner, even if they're a non-golfer.

Position 4. THE WHEEL. (Looked more like 'The Flat Tyre' when I tried it.) This will suit golfers who can't decide which club to use and their thoughts whirl around their head without locking into a decision.
On the fairways and in bed they tend to dither, and when they finally manage a shot, it's a poor one and so they blame their equipment. Or yours.
Get into that 'I can so make a right decision' feeling by trying this position at least a month before the game. (The Wheel needs that long to make up their mind to give it a go.)
The Position: The man stands straight while the woman hooks her ankles around his lower back and arches backwards until her hands are flat on the floor. Her head is off the ground and the man supports her lower back with his hands.
Golf Improvement: Great exercise to gain flexible, strong wrists for more power, especially for the woman, who will be able to generate awesome club head speed. Particularly good for bunker shots or hitting out of long grass.

Opinions would be appreciated.

Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Saturday 19 May 2012

Saturation Golf

Six games of golf in seven days. What has that taught me?
1. I spend a lot of money on lunch.
2. The worse the golf, the more I enjoy the lunch.
3. Sometimes, I go to golf just to eat my lunch.
4. If it's a really bad round, lunch starts on the 5th.
5. When my relationship with golf goes bad, I seek comfort food.
6. Lots of it.
7. Preferably covered in chocolate.
8. Sometimes from other people's golf bags.



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Friday 18 May 2012

Judgeford Golf Course

Judgeford is a difficult course on a fine day but on a cold day when the wind blows, it's a very tough test of golf. Unfortunately, Sir Nick hasn't offered any advice on playing Judgeford, so you'll have to trust me.
1. Wear crampons ... on your gloves, so you can pull yourself up to the 4th green.
2. Put crampons on your ball ... so that it will stay on the 4th green.
3. Attach an anchor to your trundler ... so that your clubs stay beside the 4th green.
4. Always, always, ALWAYS stay below the pin on the 4th hole, even if that means staying below the green.



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Thursday 17 May 2012

Out of Bounds, the Novel.

Here's mk 1 of the cover of my soon-to-be-published golf adventure novel, Out of Bounds. It's a 64,000 word humorous ebook and everything is ready to go ... except the cover. What do you think? Would this cover make you want to buy the book? Or would you just bypass it without reading the blurb? Here's the blurb:
Jane Walters' humdrum existence changes dramatically when she and her husband are playing golf on the Mt Ruapehu golf course, and Ruapehu erupts. A mysterious American, Elwood Thomas, appears from nowhere and helps her off the mountain. Is his continued interest in Jane altruistic? Or does he have an ulterior motive? Mt Ruapehu holds all the answers.
I think the blurb also needs work. It's a bit airy-fairy.   

Simple Golf Tips that Work

I've been hitting my fairway woods really badly. Either low off the toe and pushed, or an ugly low slice.
I'd had a lesson a while ago and 'take the club away with your left shoulder' had worked for a time. Then that stopped working and I watched my swing on the ipod. (Using the V1 Golf Digital Coaching app, which is wonderful because you can slow down the swing, stop it, and draw lines through spine, shoulders, etc.)
My left shoulder looked high and crooked at impact so I tried to get my shoulders squarer at impact. With mixed results.
Then a couple of weeks ago, Sir Nick Faldo showed a pro at impact and said. "Watch how he's covering the ball with his chest."
Eureka! I thought. I've got a bigger chest than that guy. Should be a piece of cake for me.
And it was. By concentrating on my chest, instead of my shoulder, it was easier to get into a good position at impact. My fairway woods improved considerably and at least now when I hit them poorly, they go straight so I don't get into trouble.
If I can improve my worst shot, I'm making progress.
Now if I can just fix the reverse pivot, changing spine angle and excessive foot action...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Simple Golf tips that Work

I love watching the US and European Golf Tours on TV and every now and again I pick up a tip from the announcers that works really well for me. I've picked up a couple of tips from Nick Faldo that have worked brilliantly, mainly because they are so simple.
For instance, I was having trouble with my chipping. Every club I used, from the 5-iron to the wedges, had a similar flight path, ie. quite low so they all ran on. I used to be a really good chipper so couldn't figure out how it had changed for the worse.
Until Nick Faldo got a pro's chip swing slowed down and emphasised, 'Watch how he keeps the clubface open, right through the shot.' One simple sentence and it was only saying something I already knew. But because I'd lost my confidence with my chipping, that simple bit of advice had gone completely out the window. 
Eureka! I thought, rushing outside to practice chipping on the lawn. Immediately my shots with different clubs had different flight paths and amount of run. This helped me relax and I realised that my tempo had been way too fast and my backswing too long. Short running chips do not require much backswing.
Another tip which has saved me innumerable shots (and has helped my friends) was 'Always keep your hands ahead of the ball when chipping'. He told us this when a pro played a brilliant chip from a fluffy lie. (One which amateurs often muck up by either hitting skinny and sending the ball completely over the green, generally to another fluffy lie, or they stop on it and leave it in the rough.)
I've told lots of interclub opponents this one (after the match, obviously - I'm not THAT altruistic) and all of them have been rapt that it stops the skinny chips. Naturally, you've still got to practice it to understand where to land the ball, but when you're getting good results, practice is a lot of fun.
Tomorrow I'll tell you another simple tip from Sir Nick that has helped my fairway woods.
How about you? Any simple tips you've picked up?

Sunday 13 May 2012

Gumboots or Golf Shoes?

As my followers know, from watching my YouTube tips, I have given up golf shoes in favour of gumboots. Not only do they prevent excessive foot movement, they are the only footwear that will keep your feet dry in the winter downpours we have in New Zealand.
(They're also perfect for playing Buckley or Taihape, where they run sheep on the fairways. Both are very good golf courses, by the way.)
Advantages of gumboots:
1. Perfect for getting out on the fairways and kicking butt.
2. You'll always comply with restrictions on sprigs (spikes).
3. You can go straight from the course to the cowshed.
4. You can go straight from the cowshed to the course.
Best of all, black goes with every outfit.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Kevin Na Whiff Fix

Golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical ... unless you're Kevin Na and then it's 99 percent mental and 1 percent physical.
So, what Kevin Na needs to do is switch those stats around and completely rely on muscle memory. (Amateurs can't do this because their muscle memory is actually muscle nightmare.)
As a pro, Kevin can learn to rely completely on his body and thereby bypass his brain. Yoga chanting works for some people, but isn't good for golfers because sitting cross legged inhibits the swing.
Drugs and alcohol shut the brain down but make the swing sloppy, so we can take them off the list.
What Kevin needs to do is remember as far back in his childhood as he can. What calmed his fears way back then?
You got it - his mother.
Until Kevin makes his mother his caddy, he's doomed to whiff.
Or he could try this: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq3NDTcx6D8

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday 11 May 2012

Predicting your Golf Through Oomancy

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I recently went to a golf pro who told me that if I bought his book, 'Golfing Better with Oomancy', I'd play better because I'd know what to concentrate on. The book costs $99.99 so I want an independant opinion before I buy it. And I was hoping you could tell me, what is oomancy?
Dear Predicting
Oomancy is predicting the future through egg whites, and provides yet another reason for buying only free-range eggs. Factory farmed eggs are not only an abomination because of the gross cruelty inflicted to produce them, but they're also the reason that oomancy is seldom practiced any more. The whites are so runny that it appears every shot will end up in the water ... even on courses that don't have any water.
I've read your so-called 'pro's' book and I can confidently state that he is a charlatan. He says you should fry your eggs if you're playing a links course, poach them if it's a resort course and boil them for predictions on a parklands course.
Any oomancer worth their salt knows that you have to read uncooked eggs.
They also know that oomancy takes decades of practice to predict something as complex as golf problems.
You'd be better off reading chicken entrails.



Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Thursday 10 May 2012

DNF Golfers

There was a playoff today at New Zealand's most prestigious tournament. The field started off with 120 competitors but by the fourth day, only ten players remained. Sixty seven pulled out on the first day, citing "personal reasons". They had all scored from 10 to 20 over par but insisted the score was irrelevant - their grandmothers had died.
Not since the Big Bad Wolf, had their been such a bad time for grandmas.
On the second day of the tournament, thirty three players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". All after scoring 9 on a par 3. "The score was irrelevant," they insisted. "I sprained my wrist/strained my Achilles'/broke my fingernail."
Not since the first marathon have masseurs been so busy.
On the third day, 10 more players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". They'd all scored quintuple bogeys on the last hole but insisted that was irrelevant. "I'm very attached to my caddy," they all asserted. "I can't believe he didn't duck quicker. I couldn't possibly play a round without him."
Not since resort courses were invented have golf cart manufacturers been so busy.
On the fourth day officials lined every fairway, pitchforks in hand. The remaining ten golfers asked why.
"This is New Zealand," the officials replied, "we're not allowed guns."
Nobody pulled out and after 72 holes two players were tied at even par. The other eight golfers tested the sharpness of the pitchforks and then decided to stay and watch.
Jack Aspinwald beat Ginger Booderra by birdying the first hole.
Unfortunately, he couldn't stay for prizegiving, citing "personal reasons".


Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Wednesday 9 May 2012

17th hole at TPC Sawgrass

The 17th hole at The Players Championship is probably the most recognisable hole in professional golf. Most pros only use a wedge or a 9-iron, depending on wind, so why do so many of them come unstuck there?
Balls in water since 2007:
2007: 93
2008: 64
2009: 30
2010: 29
2011: 40
According to the golfer's bible, Agonisng Golf for Pros, it's because 99 percent of pros have absolutely no empathy for that which is the most precious thing to them.
Their golf ball.
Rather than focussing on their target or technical aspects of their swing, the pros should take the time to understand the hole from the ball's point of view. There it is, perched on a tee, with the crowd willing it to end up in the water. It's future depends on a golfer with sweaty palms and shaky nerves. Now if the pro could just channel that feeling, his brain would focus completely on the ball, and all the extraneous imaginings would disappear. He'd think only of the yardage and a solid strike.
So, how do the 99 percent of pros get that viewpoint?
Simple. In the practice round, they set up as if they're going to tee off but, instead of hitting the ball, they throw themselves in the water. Those who are serious about mastering the hole will do a couple of somersaults, for verisimilitude, before they hit the water.
The pro will stay under the water as long as they can hold their breath. (Ideally, they would take a long straw with them and stay under for half an hour, but play at that hole already takes too long).
They must then finish the hole, dripping wet.
The first pros to try this did it in 2008 and, as you can see from the table above, numbers of balls in the water dropped every year until 2011. That abberation was caused by the Players management telling the pros to take a long shower instead. Statistics show how unsuccessful that was.




Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Global Warming Golf

We all know that global warming means we shouldn't invest in coastal property, but what effect will it have on golfers?
Some have rejoiced in the fact that links golf will become a thing of the past. I happen to be a keen links golfer (trees belong in forests, not golf courses) so no rejoicing from me.
Basically, it comes down to two facts. Those who live in areas where rainfall will increase will have more water hazards, while those who golf in drying out areas had better get used to sand greens.
Those of you in wetter areas will have to get used to ponds where fairways used to be. Rough will consist of kelp and water weed. One huge consolation - no sand bunkers. So sell all your old sand wedges on Ebay now.
Struggling clubs will be able to farm fish as an additional income stream. Well placed whirlpools will rid the course of slow golfers, and provide a cheap fish food.
The drier conditions will be wonderful for golfers lamenting that they don't hit the ball as far as they used to. With fairways as hard as concrete, they'll be hitting the ball out of sight, (that's distance-wise rather than OB or into-the-rough-wise).
Dry area golfers will have more money to spend on green fees because they won't need to buy expensive wet weather gear. However, they should sell their shares in the golf umbrella company.
So the effect of global warming on golfers won't be all bad. In fact, it might even improve the hard luck stories at the 19th.

Monday 7 May 2012

Your Golf Swing is Decided in the Womb

Worldwide research has proven that obesity starts in the womb. Yes, it's all your mother's fault that you're a fat slob.
After discovering this, the researchers then went on to a far more important subject - could that wicked slice or duck-hook have also been ingrained whilst in the womb?
And the resounding answer is - yes! That lousy swing is all the fault of your mother, and the way she vacuumed.
New Zealand prenatal researchers studied 200 golfers and their mothers, focusing on housework. While other chores also had an effect on the child's golf, (those whose mothers packed the dishwasher methodically produced golfers who always put their clubs in their bags in numerical order), vacuuming proved to have the greatest effect.
Did she carefully go around all the furniture? If so, she'll have a child who has a solid swing and seldom goes off the fairway.
Did she crash into the table and chair legs? If so, that child will have a wild swing and spend all their time in the trees.
Then came the most vital piece of research. Did she use straight sweeps or curving motions? Those who predominantly curved to the left (and were right-handed) produced golfers who hooked, while those who went to the right (and were right-handed) produced slicers.
Those who hoped to overcome the effects by employing random motions with both hands produced the worst-afflicted offspring of all - they played croquet.
How can we ensure that this golfing malady is not passed on to future generations? It was suggested that all vacuum cleaners come with a sticker saying: “Vacuuming during pregnancy, even in small quantities, can have grave/serious consequences on the golf swing of the baby.”
As you'd expect, vacuum manufacturers refused to contemplate such a measure, pointing out that not every child would want to be a golfer. 
"Well of course they won't," pointed out the chief researcher, "thanks to your implement blighting their young lives." 
Unfortunately, the vacuum manufacturers are as influential as Sky City Casino lobbyists, so the government refused to make the warning stickers mandatory.
Fortunately, the researchers asked Ms Kallas-Way to help out.
"Simple," she said, "make sure the husband/father/partner does the vacuuming."

Saturday 5 May 2012

Moon's Effect on Golf

The moon tonight is closer to the Earth than usual so you'll need to take that into consideration if you're playing golf tomorrow. Under these conditions, weregolfers can appear during the day, as well as at night. And you'll need to be on your guard if you want to finish your round without getting your throat ripped out. Often the weregolfers look just like ordinary golfers. Both can foam at the mouth; both can howl at the sky during play; both can have whiskery jowls. But there's one sure way to know you're playing with a weregolfer and not a golfer. The weregolfer can't pull out the pin without peeing on it first.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday 4 May 2012

NZSO Golfers

Went to the NZSO last night. Great programme! Particularly enjoyed Schumann's Symphony No. 4. Decided the string section wouldn't make good golfers - their elbows fly all over the place. The conductor would be a poor putter - very jerky action. The brass section probably has the best technique - they keep their heads still. I was a bit grossed out by the way they shook saliva out of their instruments - something they've already got in common with Keegan Bradley.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday 3 May 2012

Beach Golf Practice

The advantages of practicing golf on the beach instead of the driving range:
1. You'll be more relaxed on the beach because it holds better memories.
2. When you hit it fat, you can pretend you were practicing long sand shots.
3. At last you can find out if you really will hit it better while wearing a bikini.
4. With a golf club in your hand, no one will make snide remarks about your bikini.
5. If practice is going poorly, you can drown your golf clubs in the sea.
6. If it's going really poorly, you can drown yourself in the sea.
7. When finished, you can attach your pitchmark repairer to your golf club and go spear fishing.
8. If you're a bully, you won't risk stubbing your toe.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Disqualification Golf Rule

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
Last week I played in the final of our club champs. On the 37th hole, my opponent spat on her ball to clean it. I immediately claimed the hole, and the match, by telling her that she'd breached Rule 5-2: Foreign Material. As she had not been born in New Zealand, her saliva was definitely foreign and she'd changed the ball's characteristics by applying it. Therefore, she was disqualified. We argued for the next half hour before she eventually gave in and muttered something about taking up croquet. I was right, wasn't I?
Dear Saliva
Rule 5-2 states: The ball the player plays must not have foreign material applied to it for the purpose of changing its characteristics.
The penalty is disqualification, so you got that part correct.
However, your interpretation may be incorrect. Did you ask for proof of your opponent's nationality? Although born overseas, she may have taken New Zealand nationality and so wasn't foreign. And, technically, if she was going through the citizenship process at the time of your match, she could have argued that she was more local than foreign.
Next time, insist on seeing proof of citizenship BEFORE you start your match.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Titanic Golf

Much has been made of the fact that the band continued to play as the Titanic went down. But nothing has been mentioned of the brave woman who continued to practice her putting as the ship sank, until I unearthed a diary of the 2nd to last man to see her alive.
The woman, Hyacinth McShank, was obsessed with golf and also an insomniac, which meant she was wide awake when the ship hit the iceberg. Hyacinth had been trying to figure out why she missed all her 10-ft putts to the left. She knew she wasn't looking up too soon and she wasn't closing her club face on the way through. She decided on one last putt and, just as she started her backswing, the ship hit the iceberg.
The collision jolted her into a new stance in which her eyes were directly over the ball. Eurka! The ball rolled straight into the middle of the glass, a target she'd selected because it was the same diameter as a hole in a green.
"Och aye the noo!" she shouted, and lined up another dozen balls as stewards and ship staff rushed past.
Half an hour later, one of them tapped her on the shoulder. "Madam," he said, "the ship is sinking. You should go to the lifeboats."
Hyacinth shoved him away. " Are you oot of your mind, mon? I've just sunk 67 10-ft putts in a row! Another 33 and I'll have the stance set in muscle memory." She returned to her putting. "This is fantastic. Now I'm putting slightly up hill. I've never been any good at that."
"Madam," insisted the man, "you really must go now."
"For goodness sake," said Hyacinth, continuing to putt, "I can't go yet. How long before it actually sinks?"
The man looked at the angle of the deck, then back at Hyacinth. "Show me your swing again."
Hyacinth obliged.
The man scratched his chin. "Slow tempo ... deck's at about 5 degrees ... you've probably got another 15 minutes."
Hyacinth smiled. "Just enough time to get those last few putts."
The man scurried away to rescue non-golfers.
The last putt rolled into the glass. "Wonderful," exclaimed Hyacinth, as the ball ran back to her. "Hmm." She picked up the ball. "That's very handy, having the ball automatically come back to you." She looked around. "Wonder if I could find something other than a sinking ship to do the same thing?"
As they say, the rest is history. Hyacinth was so excited by her idea that she rushed down to the radio room, shoved aside Jack Phillips (radio operator) and the last signal from the Titanic was not 'CQD, SOS'. It was 'Have invented wonderful new putting device. Will make our fortune. Meet me ..."
Alas, Hyacinth had miscounted her putts and went down with the ship. Which meant the ball-returning putting machine was delayed another 29 years, when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and a keen golfing insomniac sailor was practicing his putting...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Golfers and Pest Eradication

The New Zealand Dept of Conservation's pest eradication department is having its funding cut, yet again, so has turned to the public for help. Golfers have proved to have the best ideas, even when it was pointed out that the pests are animals, not telemarketers. Fortunately, the chosen method will work well with either group.
The most effective way to kill possums is with 1080, but it's becoming more difficult to distribute because protesters throw themselves in front of planes and chain themselves to the 1080 holding bins. I interviewed the spokesperson for GCSTW (Golf Can Save The World) who explained how golf would save our native bush and make DOC a profit as well. "We will manufacture golf balls with 1080 in them, using the soluble type cruise ships have, so protesters won't realise what we're doing. Next, we will advertise that we have the best driving range in the world and we will put videos on YouTube to prove it."
The spokesperson showed me the very impressive videos. "The uniqueness of our bush driving ranges is the selling point. We will build transportable driving range platforms in strategic parts of the bush and helicopter golfers in."
I pointed out that that sounded expensive and where was DOC's profit? "Easy," said the spokesperson, "There's a huge group of really wealthy, really bad golfers out there who would love to be able to hack and slash in private and feel like they're performing a public good at the same time. Especially considering how they got their money in the first place." The spokesperson winked and tapped her nose. "The beauty of the plan is that the golfers, being a bunch of hackers, will achieve greater distribution than the mechanical bait throwers, with golf balls going in all directions, especially if they shank. We've already got 50 Russian billionaires signed up."
I hit a few of the golf ball baits and couldn't tell the difference between them and the real thing. In fact, after watching me hit a dozen balls dead straight, the spokesperson offered me a job with GCSTW.
I was a little miffed. "But I'm not a hacker," I said.
"Not to distribute bait," she said. "With your accuracy, we'd use you to deter protesters."


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone