Golfers and Pest Eradication

The New Zealand Dept of Conservation's pest eradication department is having its funding cut, yet again, so has turned to the public for help. Golfers have proved to have the best ideas, even when it was pointed out that the pests are animals, not telemarketers. Fortunately, the chosen method will work well with either group.
The most effective way to kill possums is with 1080, but it's becoming more difficult to distribute because protesters throw themselves in front of planes and chain themselves to the 1080 holding bins. I interviewed the spokesperson for GCSTW (Golf Can Save The World) who explained how golf would save our native bush and make DOC a profit as well. "We will manufacture golf balls with 1080 in them, using the soluble type cruise ships have, so protesters won't realise what we're doing. Next, we will advertise that we have the best driving range in the world and we will put videos on YouTube to prove it."
The spokesperson showed me the very impressive videos. "The uniqueness of our bush driving ranges is the selling point. We will build transportable driving range platforms in strategic parts of the bush and helicopter golfers in."
I pointed out that that sounded expensive and where was DOC's profit? "Easy," said the spokesperson, "There's a huge group of really wealthy, really bad golfers out there who would love to be able to hack and slash in private and feel like they're performing a public good at the same time. Especially considering how they got their money in the first place." The spokesperson winked and tapped her nose. "The beauty of the plan is that the golfers, being a bunch of hackers, will achieve greater distribution than the mechanical bait throwers, with golf balls going in all directions, especially if they shank. We've already got 50 Russian billionaires signed up."
I hit a few of the golf ball baits and couldn't tell the difference between them and the real thing. In fact, after watching me hit a dozen balls dead straight, the spokesperson offered me a job with GCSTW.
I was a little miffed. "But I'm not a hacker," I said.
"Not to distribute bait," she said. "With your accuracy, we'd use you to deter protesters."


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